I finally have my cake and eat it too!

R. got me a computer program called CAKEWALK for our first married Christmas...in 2005. Initially we found out my computer didn't have enough space. So we got it some more. Then we realized that if I was going to record music and put it on a CD that I should have a burner. So we got it a burner. Then we realized it still didn't work...no sound would come out at all. For my birthday R. talked with a guy who uses this program and come to find out we had the wrong MIDI machine. So, R. got me a different one. But then I've been too intimidated to use it! Each time I'd open up the program to give it a try, I would see all of the buttons and options and simply close it out with frustration. Where to begin? But today I finally did it!!! I recorded one of my own songs using my keyboard and the computer!!!!! I still have a long way to go as far as figuring out how it all works and putting multiple tracks together, but I've jumped a huge hurdle in just sitting down to use it!!! I must say that I feel proud of myself! I actually did it!!!!

That's what I'm talkin' about!

I read this verse today that really spells out the contrast between the phony and genuine lovers of God that I mentioned in my last post. 2 Corinthians 2:17 (NRSV) says "For we are not peddlers of God's word like so many; but in Christ we speak as persons of sincerity, as persons sent from God and standing in His presence." That's it!! That's the person I want to be! One that speaks with sincerity as standing in the very presence of the Lord! To live from that place of fellowship with God. That's what I'm talkin' about!

In the past couple days God has really been faithful to answer prayer and to give me a heart to pray. After hearing a sermon a few weeks ago by the pastor who married us, I have been reminded of the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives as Christians. I had been completely neglecting the gifts He has given me and the power that comes from Him!!! In the sermon I mentioned he spoke on 1 Cor. 14. In this chapter Paul calls us to strive for spiritual gifts. He then goes on to write specifically about praying in the spirit and prophecy. Somewhere along the way I had forgotten about praying in the spirit and this sermon reminded me of how important that is and the priviledge we have to communicate with God in this way! This feels like a fresh start toward getting back to the place of love for the Lord that I've been missing.

All glory to Jesus for His indescribable gifts and His faithfulness...moment by moment.

First Love

How does one regain the passion and zeal for the Lord of years past? This has been my question lately as I have realized that my love for the Lord doesn't have the fervor it once did. I still love the Lord and desire to follow Him, but He feels incredibly distant and has for awhile.

One of the biggest dilemmas I find is that I dislike much of what the organized church has become and I don't want to associate myself with that image. As a result, I find myself in conflict over what is a true and a genuine representation of living for the Lord, and what is simply playing church. Church in general has become so cliche'. Jesus was real and genuine. Somewhere we've gotten off track. So how do we take hold of the truths of Scripture for all of their depth and power and truth, in spite of the fact that so many of these truths have been diminished by the flippant and off-handed use of them? I guess what it boils down to for me is separating the religion from my relationship with God. I hate religion and nothing seems more irrelevant to me and to the culture we live in than religion.

How do I take hold of the truth of Who God is, when so many that claim to speak for Him misrepresent Him? It's hard to make this separation! I want to be alive with passion for God and for His will!! But I want that to be more than saying the right things, going to church, singing in the choir, following a list of dos and don'ts! I don't want to be part of a club! I want a living and vibrant relationship with God!!! What does that look like and how do I get there?

Time for a Change

I've decided that I am a short hair kind of gal. Long hair is first of all way too much work. It is secondly far too hot for the state of Texas. And lastly, believe it or not, it's just too heavy to carry around on this long neck. So after being inspired by conversation with my sister, I decided to get my hair cut today. She did too, by the way! Smile!! Yippy!!! I feel cute again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grateful

Yesterday a good friend put up two ceiling fans in our apartment. I'm so incredibly grateful!!! Our place is already much more comfortable and last night we had the air-conditioning up 5 degrees warmer and we slept great! Thank goodness for people with talents different from mine who can do those things I can't!! Thank goodness for lower electric bills!!! I'm claiming it in advance!!!!!!

Domestic Goddess

It's been awhile since I wrote anything on this blog. A lot has been going on, but I think the reason I haven't written is that I didn't have anything ready to say. All sorts of thoughts have been swirling around in my head, but none were ready to come out.

Summer is here in the grand state of Texas and it's already pretty HOT! I think I notice it more this year for two reasons. One, I'm not freezing my butt of in a refrigerated office, and two, I'm out in the great outdoors more frequently to take the dogs out. Needless to say, it's HOT and it's great and I'm glad to be here.

The dogs are wonderful. I think R. and I have finally adjusted to having them. Now I'm less paranoid and more just enjoying their cute little personalities and their company. And we're so glad we got both of them! Chewie is my little shadow. He follows me every time I leave the room. Chica is our little princess and always has an ecstatic greeting whenever we come home. We're glad to be doggy parents...now that the initial transition is past! Smile.

Personally I think it's safe to say that I'm in limbo. Every time I think I know what's next I realize that I'm not really sure. I certainly know that I want to sing and to sing my own songs! I wrote a new song for R. for his birthday and have been working on another one the last couple weeks. It's all about baby steps and one at a time at that. I've decided to start participating in our church choir this summer. Because summers are so busy and so many people travel, they're not having choir practice so it's a good time for me to get my feet wet without having such a big time commitment. I'm still thinking about school. I'd like to finish my BA even if it's just for the sake of having a degree. And I'm leaning more and more away from music when it comes to my degree. I know I don't want to study any more classical music and for a BA that's all that's really offered around here. So...limbo...I'm not sure where that leaves me.

OH, about the Domestic Goddess. That's me! I have a new title!! It's been a bit of a quandry lately to know what to tell people I meet when they ask me what I do. So thanks to one of Robert's co-workers, I've stolen his phrase and am using it for myself. I think it will come in handy. Our culture is so obsessed with what we do that the question comes up frequently.

So, there's an update of sorts. Overall, life is good. There's a contentment and quietness to this time even in the face of the questions and the unknown. And it's summer. For the first time in a long time I get to experience summer vacation! Alright!!!

First Night

We brought our new pups home on Saturday. It was a bit of a traumatic experience for all of us!! But, we all are adjusting quite well.

Saturday morning found us up earlier than normal and on the way to pick them up. As we were driving to Fuzzy Friends we received a phone call from them. They said the dogs had been given their vaccinations and Chica had a reaction so they took her to the vet. That totally freaked us out as we wondered if she was going to be okay. We arrived right in the middle of their big open house so there were people EVERYWHERE! We got Chewie and hung around a bit until Chica came back. Come to find out it's not uncommon for a dog to react to a vaccine and we just had to give her Benadryl every four hours her first day home. Phew, that was a relief!

They've been really good and it's obvious they've lived in a house before and understand what 'no' means and that they should stay on their bed. Our first night was a little rough. They howled and barked all pickin' night long! Not much sleep to be had around here! But thankfully last night after the initial fussing, they slept soundly. We're not sure if they just figured it out, or if it was because we wore them out with a long walk!!!!

Overall I'm glad we got them, though I have to admit to moments when I wonder about our sanity!!! What were we thinking?!?!? But it's good for us and they needed a good home, so in the end we all win!!

Meet Our Fuzzy Friends

For my birthday R. decided to get me a puppy. We've been talking about it for awhile and now seemed a good time. So, we went to the Fuzzy Friends Animal Rescue last weekend to see if they had any small dogs. They did and we fell in love...with two of them!!! Surprise! So it's happy birthday to both of us since our birthdays are just four days apart! We get to pick them up this Saturday. Meet Chewie (the chocolate guy) and Chica!!!

An Overzealous Ticker

I went to the doctor last week for an earache. He said it was allergies and perscribed another allergy medicine in addition to the one I'm already taking. Well, starting Friday and then ever since, I've been having frequent heart palpitations. Monday found me back at the doctor to figure out what's going on. Thankfully my little heart performed its gymnastics and they were able to observe what's happening while I was hooked up to the EKG machine! I was concerned that it would be like going to the mechanic and your car simply won't act up for them to see the problem! But, they saw it.

Doc thinks it might just be overstimulated with my allergy meds in addition to drinking caffeine. So...I've been advised to quit all of those things. Needless to say, I'm a little on the sleepy side this week. I haven't had any caffeine today. Yesterday was half the caff. I'm really hoping that Doc is right and this is all it is. It's hard not to be anxious when it feels like my heart has done a flip in my chest!!! Please keep this is prayer! I don't want anything serious to be wrong with me!!!

Dare to Dream

I've been giving a lot of thought in the past couple months to what I want to do with my life, particularly the next step. At the forefront of this contemplation has been the question, "What is my dream"? It was a scary realization to find that I didn't know. If given a chance to do anything I wanted without any concern for money or time, I had no idea what I would do.

There's a Proverb that says something like, "for lack of vision the people perish". I don't know that I completely grasp the significance of this verse, but to some extent I can understand through my own situation. It's discouraging at the least to lack any vision for the future; to have no goals and no sense of purpose.

I'm not posting this to say that I have it figured out now and I know what I'm going to do. But I have rediscovered a dream that I buried a long time ago. Since I was very young I have wanted to be a recording artist and share my songs to whoever wanted to listen. This desire has always been there, but being the practical person I am, I gave up on it because I thought I had to pursue a more reliable career instead. I gave up on my dream. I think at the root of my practicality was, and is, the fear that I will follow that dream only to fail. Fear of failure has paralyzed any movement toward making this dream a reality.

I still don't know how to get there. The nuts and bolts of becoming a recording artist still escape me. However, the dream is reawakening, thanks in large part to my husband who's my biggest fan. So I'm gonna try. It may be really slow going, but I want to follow this dream even though it scares me to death!

Temping

There is something to be said for temp jobs! I'm temping today for the university where I was once employed. It's just a one day job and all I have to do is answer the phone and then whatever I want as long as I hold down the fort. The best thing besides getting paid to read, is that whatever I do, I'm the life-saver that helped them out of a bind. I'm the good guy, 'cause nobody expects me to know what I'm doing! NO pressure! ZERO! It's splendid! I wish every job would have the freedom to do my best and have that actually be enough! Because it has certainly been my experience that the worst part about most jobs is the boss or the supervisor that always seems to demand a little something more. I think it's a control thing! So, yay for temporary!!!!!!

Just Saying Hello

So...I haven't been very good at keeping up with this blog lately. I think it has something to do with not sitting at a computer 8 hours a day. (Hallelujah!) And, something else to do with the phase I'm in right now. Lots of processing and defragmentation going on these days. I'm getting a better picture of what's next for me...but you'll have to wait to find out! smile. All in all, life is wonderful and I'm so thankful for all the blessings God has given to us! It's far more than I deserve!!!!

Blessings!

Too Precious for Words

This is R. and the precious bundle belongs to friends of ours who are also a mixed couple. Holding that sweet little miss was a little taste of how sweet it will be to be a parent.

Growth

I don't often recognize growth as it is happening, but looking back over the past few weeks, it is evident in me. I suppose this is true in much of life. One can see that a tree grows taller and yet not be witness to the actual growing of the tree. The Lord can be such a gentle gardener! Though I'm sure that I'm not aware of all the Lord has been doing in me, I can see that my heart has softened and that my concern about what people think of me has diminished. There is a stillness in me that wasn't there before and I am thankful for the working of the Lord. I still don't have a clear vision about what He has for me, but I see how important this time is and that there is much value in my care of our home and my sweet husband.

It's funny to think that in generations past it was the norm for a wife to remain at home and care for the household. I was concerned that I would soon grow bored, but instead find that I'm far busier than I imagined. I'm all for progress and for women to have the option to pursue education and a career, but I think that even in the midst of that it is important to retain an appreciation for a simpler, less-spotlighted life. I'm learning that there is something to be said for the behind-the-scenes roles. They are no less important than those on center stage.

I don't know if this is where God has brought me, or if it's just a place along the way, but it has been good for me and I'm glad to experience this time. It has helped me to live in the now instead of always striving for what comes next. That's something I've prayed for for a long time.....

Winter Weather Advisory

It's Easter weekend and for the first time in 60 years...it's snowing! I was upstairs reading a book and thought there must be a mid-air bird fight with feathers flying, until the "feathers" kept coming and I realized it was actually snowing! (I have never seen nor heard of a mid-air bird fight, but we haven't had snow here but once in the two years I've lived here so that didn't initially enter my head as a possibility!) It's been coming down quite liberally with large flakes all afternoon. The grass has even turned white! Very strange.

R. and I are having a winter weather advisory this evening as well. I hate it when we argue and misunderstand each other! And I don't understand why it happens when we love each other so much! But it does, nonetheless! Needless to say, we're both a bit chilly this evening. Sigh. Did I mention that I HATE winter?!?!?

I've always been a delayed reactor.

It's been a couple of weeks since I learned that I wasn't accepted into the University's School of Music. I still have an unexplained peace and believe that the door was closed for a reason, but sadness has had a chance to catch up with me. Last week I sat at the piano and was surprised by the presence of tears as I started to sing.

Music is like a dear friend who has hurt me deeply. I value the friendship immensely and certainly will work to rebuild the relationship, but I'm not quite ready to move forward yet. The wound is too fresh and it will take time before I'm ready to trust again and put myself out there to be vulnerable.

Nevertheless I'm making progress. With the help and encouragement from my sweet husband, I'm beginning to understand what this time is about. One might say I'm on sabbatical to press in with the Lord in order to understand what He has for me; what He has purposed for my life's course. It's about learning not striving to DO, but simply to BE. Not an easy thing for a doer who doesn't like to sit still, but I know I need this.

What happens next? I have absolutely NO IDEA! And for perhaps the first time in my life, that's okay. I've wasted too much time living for the next thing. Now that there isn't a next thing in my sights, I find that I'm actually living today and finding joy in what is. And so I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the richness of all God is doing in me. I'm thankful for the most precious husband. I'm thankful for this time and chance to grow up in Christ; to know Him more deeply than ever before. Thank you, Jesus, for WHO You are and for WHO You have made me to be.........

People Pleasers Anonymous

Perhaps there should be a support group similiar in scope to AA for those of us who wrestle under the oppression of pleasing people. "I am a pleasaholic" would commence the arduous journey toward freedom from caring what other people think.

I am a people pleaser and I come by it honestly. I have observed this burden first-hand in my mom and grandma, and would venture to guess it can be traced back much farther than that. "But what will so and so think if we"...fill in the blank...buy this piece of furniture, go on that vacation, attend this church or school, wear this item of clothing, and on and on and on. I'm sure you can relate since this trait is not unique to my family.

Particularly in this season of my life, I realize how much thought I give to the opinions of others. And the incredibly odd thing about it is that those opinions I seem to be most worried about are not from those people who truly know and care about me, but about those on the fringes that ultimately have nothing to do with my life or have any legitimate say in what I do or don't do whatsoever!

Yesterday I read this verse in Gal. 1:10 (NRSV) "Am I now seeking human approval, or God's approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still pleasing people, I would not be a servant of Christ." First of all, they were struggling with this same thing over 2,000 years ago! It's not new and it was just as debilitating then as it is now!!! Second, the very reality of being a servant of Christ is in direct contradiction to pleasing people. The fact that I love Jesus means the person I now am and the life I live is already out of favor. Now I'm not talking about the much-heard talk about "those people" in the world, "they", who don't like us Christians because.....etc. But think about it. If I truly lived in the fullness of who I am in Christ, of Who HE is, then it is impossible to please even fellow Christians. At some point, a choice or decision I make will step on somebody's toes or fly in the face of what culture, even Christian culture, has deemed acceptable.

I'm sure that I'm not making complete sense since I hardly grasp this concept in my own mind, but hang on with me! How to put this in words...... Take any one of the many characteristics of Christ as an example. Forgiveness. Consider the woman whose husband leaves her for another woman. She's left with three kids to take care of on a meager income and he can't even make it to the bank on time with the paltry sum he puts in whenever he feels like it. It's been years since he left.

Culture, even Christian culture, says "divorce him". "He committed adultery so you have Biblical grounds, what on earth are you waiting for?" "Do you really think he's going to change?" "It's time to move on!" But this woman continues to love her husband and would readily take him back if he would come. She is living the radical forgiveness of Christ. But pleasing people? No. Her friends and co-workers tease her about meeting someone new. Her mom and aunts and cousins try to pressure her to get a divorce. And yet she's pleasing God with her choice to remain faithful to the marriage vows she made. The decision that she made between herself and God, not at the pressure of anybody else.

It's my prayer that as I contemplate the next step for me regarding school and the future, that I will be set free from caring what other people think about what I do and that I will concern myself only with pleasing the Lord. That might mean studying something contrary to someone else's opinion, or choosing not to return to school at all. Whatever it is, I want to know that God is pleased with me and that I have been obedient to His will and purpose for my life.

Life is Beautiful!

Today is my last day as an HR Assistant!!!!! It is the end of the 8 to 5 grind and the beginning…of the rest of my life! Smile. I’m so excited to be leaving behind the endless monotony of mindless paperwork, a windowless office, a moody boss, and the confinement of spending every day glued to my computer screen. Of course, I will miss those co-workers that have become my friends, who have supported me through R’s Bar passing and job search! But, true friends remain even when circumstances change and so I’m not leaving them behind, really.

And now the beginning of the next adventure!! The thrill is in the unknown of what that will look like. My hope is that it includes song-writing, school, and in time, a sweet bundle of baby. Hurray for change and for God’s faithfulness and care for us!

Life is beautiful!

Ground to a Screeching Halt

I found out yesterday that I was NOT accepted into the music program here at the university. I haven’t received the official letter yet, but I inquired by e-mail to a woman I know who works in the department. I think I read her e-mail half a dozen times just to make sure I wasn’t imagining it. I still can hardly believe it! I wasn’t at all concerned about getting into the music school! I was more concerned about the size of the scholarship they would give me!

I haven’t really reacted emotionally yet, which is surprising because I’ve been emotional lately anyway. More surprising is that I almost feel relieved by the news, which only serves to flabbergast me more! While I don’t understand why I wasn’t accepted, I do have a peace that the Lord has a purpose in it. Perhaps He closed the door because there’s another door for me to walk through!

Meanwhile, “the plan” if I can call it that, is to still begin classes this summer, but to focus on my general courses until I know more. I think the hardest part is not knowing….anything……..about what I’m supposed to do now. Then again, it kind of feels good not to have everything so planned out. I never really wanted just a normal life, but to do great things for the Lord. Somewhere along the way I think I lost sight of that. Maybe this is a chance to gain new insight into what He has in store. It’s kind of exciting and scary all at the same time.

GRACE

So, I started this post with a vent about a co-worker that’s on my nerves, but then I realized how ungracious my words were and decided it was neither edifying nor beneficial. That got me thinking about GRACE and how little I extend to those who irritate me or are unkind. I realize there is a direct connection between love and grace. I’m much more willing to give grace to someone I love and have formed a friendship with. So, if I want to be a more gracious person, then I first must learn how to love people. And not just the people I like who are nice to me. Ugh. I’m gonna need a lot of help with this one!!