Dare to Dream

I've been giving a lot of thought in the past couple months to what I want to do with my life, particularly the next step. At the forefront of this contemplation has been the question, "What is my dream"? It was a scary realization to find that I didn't know. If given a chance to do anything I wanted without any concern for money or time, I had no idea what I would do.

There's a Proverb that says something like, "for lack of vision the people perish". I don't know that I completely grasp the significance of this verse, but to some extent I can understand through my own situation. It's discouraging at the least to lack any vision for the future; to have no goals and no sense of purpose.

I'm not posting this to say that I have it figured out now and I know what I'm going to do. But I have rediscovered a dream that I buried a long time ago. Since I was very young I have wanted to be a recording artist and share my songs to whoever wanted to listen. This desire has always been there, but being the practical person I am, I gave up on it because I thought I had to pursue a more reliable career instead. I gave up on my dream. I think at the root of my practicality was, and is, the fear that I will follow that dream only to fail. Fear of failure has paralyzed any movement toward making this dream a reality.

I still don't know how to get there. The nuts and bolts of becoming a recording artist still escape me. However, the dream is reawakening, thanks in large part to my husband who's my biggest fan. So I'm gonna try. It may be really slow going, but I want to follow this dream even though it scares me to death!

Temping

There is something to be said for temp jobs! I'm temping today for the university where I was once employed. It's just a one day job and all I have to do is answer the phone and then whatever I want as long as I hold down the fort. The best thing besides getting paid to read, is that whatever I do, I'm the life-saver that helped them out of a bind. I'm the good guy, 'cause nobody expects me to know what I'm doing! NO pressure! ZERO! It's splendid! I wish every job would have the freedom to do my best and have that actually be enough! Because it has certainly been my experience that the worst part about most jobs is the boss or the supervisor that always seems to demand a little something more. I think it's a control thing! So, yay for temporary!!!!!!

Just Saying Hello

So...I haven't been very good at keeping up with this blog lately. I think it has something to do with not sitting at a computer 8 hours a day. (Hallelujah!) And, something else to do with the phase I'm in right now. Lots of processing and defragmentation going on these days. I'm getting a better picture of what's next for me...but you'll have to wait to find out! smile. All in all, life is wonderful and I'm so thankful for all the blessings God has given to us! It's far more than I deserve!!!!

Blessings!

Too Precious for Words

This is R. and the precious bundle belongs to friends of ours who are also a mixed couple. Holding that sweet little miss was a little taste of how sweet it will be to be a parent.

Growth

I don't often recognize growth as it is happening, but looking back over the past few weeks, it is evident in me. I suppose this is true in much of life. One can see that a tree grows taller and yet not be witness to the actual growing of the tree. The Lord can be such a gentle gardener! Though I'm sure that I'm not aware of all the Lord has been doing in me, I can see that my heart has softened and that my concern about what people think of me has diminished. There is a stillness in me that wasn't there before and I am thankful for the working of the Lord. I still don't have a clear vision about what He has for me, but I see how important this time is and that there is much value in my care of our home and my sweet husband.

It's funny to think that in generations past it was the norm for a wife to remain at home and care for the household. I was concerned that I would soon grow bored, but instead find that I'm far busier than I imagined. I'm all for progress and for women to have the option to pursue education and a career, but I think that even in the midst of that it is important to retain an appreciation for a simpler, less-spotlighted life. I'm learning that there is something to be said for the behind-the-scenes roles. They are no less important than those on center stage.

I don't know if this is where God has brought me, or if it's just a place along the way, but it has been good for me and I'm glad to experience this time. It has helped me to live in the now instead of always striving for what comes next. That's something I've prayed for for a long time.....

Winter Weather Advisory

It's Easter weekend and for the first time in 60 years...it's snowing! I was upstairs reading a book and thought there must be a mid-air bird fight with feathers flying, until the "feathers" kept coming and I realized it was actually snowing! (I have never seen nor heard of a mid-air bird fight, but we haven't had snow here but once in the two years I've lived here so that didn't initially enter my head as a possibility!) It's been coming down quite liberally with large flakes all afternoon. The grass has even turned white! Very strange.

R. and I are having a winter weather advisory this evening as well. I hate it when we argue and misunderstand each other! And I don't understand why it happens when we love each other so much! But it does, nonetheless! Needless to say, we're both a bit chilly this evening. Sigh. Did I mention that I HATE winter?!?!?

I've always been a delayed reactor.

It's been a couple of weeks since I learned that I wasn't accepted into the University's School of Music. I still have an unexplained peace and believe that the door was closed for a reason, but sadness has had a chance to catch up with me. Last week I sat at the piano and was surprised by the presence of tears as I started to sing.

Music is like a dear friend who has hurt me deeply. I value the friendship immensely and certainly will work to rebuild the relationship, but I'm not quite ready to move forward yet. The wound is too fresh and it will take time before I'm ready to trust again and put myself out there to be vulnerable.

Nevertheless I'm making progress. With the help and encouragement from my sweet husband, I'm beginning to understand what this time is about. One might say I'm on sabbatical to press in with the Lord in order to understand what He has for me; what He has purposed for my life's course. It's about learning not striving to DO, but simply to BE. Not an easy thing for a doer who doesn't like to sit still, but I know I need this.

What happens next? I have absolutely NO IDEA! And for perhaps the first time in my life, that's okay. I've wasted too much time living for the next thing. Now that there isn't a next thing in my sights, I find that I'm actually living today and finding joy in what is. And so I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the richness of all God is doing in me. I'm thankful for the most precious husband. I'm thankful for this time and chance to grow up in Christ; to know Him more deeply than ever before. Thank you, Jesus, for WHO You are and for WHO You have made me to be.........

People Pleasers Anonymous

Perhaps there should be a support group similiar in scope to AA for those of us who wrestle under the oppression of pleasing people. "I am a pleasaholic" would commence the arduous journey toward freedom from caring what other people think.

I am a people pleaser and I come by it honestly. I have observed this burden first-hand in my mom and grandma, and would venture to guess it can be traced back much farther than that. "But what will so and so think if we"...fill in the blank...buy this piece of furniture, go on that vacation, attend this church or school, wear this item of clothing, and on and on and on. I'm sure you can relate since this trait is not unique to my family.

Particularly in this season of my life, I realize how much thought I give to the opinions of others. And the incredibly odd thing about it is that those opinions I seem to be most worried about are not from those people who truly know and care about me, but about those on the fringes that ultimately have nothing to do with my life or have any legitimate say in what I do or don't do whatsoever!

Yesterday I read this verse in Gal. 1:10 (NRSV) "Am I now seeking human approval, or God's approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still pleasing people, I would not be a servant of Christ." First of all, they were struggling with this same thing over 2,000 years ago! It's not new and it was just as debilitating then as it is now!!! Second, the very reality of being a servant of Christ is in direct contradiction to pleasing people. The fact that I love Jesus means the person I now am and the life I live is already out of favor. Now I'm not talking about the much-heard talk about "those people" in the world, "they", who don't like us Christians because.....etc. But think about it. If I truly lived in the fullness of who I am in Christ, of Who HE is, then it is impossible to please even fellow Christians. At some point, a choice or decision I make will step on somebody's toes or fly in the face of what culture, even Christian culture, has deemed acceptable.

I'm sure that I'm not making complete sense since I hardly grasp this concept in my own mind, but hang on with me! How to put this in words...... Take any one of the many characteristics of Christ as an example. Forgiveness. Consider the woman whose husband leaves her for another woman. She's left with three kids to take care of on a meager income and he can't even make it to the bank on time with the paltry sum he puts in whenever he feels like it. It's been years since he left.

Culture, even Christian culture, says "divorce him". "He committed adultery so you have Biblical grounds, what on earth are you waiting for?" "Do you really think he's going to change?" "It's time to move on!" But this woman continues to love her husband and would readily take him back if he would come. She is living the radical forgiveness of Christ. But pleasing people? No. Her friends and co-workers tease her about meeting someone new. Her mom and aunts and cousins try to pressure her to get a divorce. And yet she's pleasing God with her choice to remain faithful to the marriage vows she made. The decision that she made between herself and God, not at the pressure of anybody else.

It's my prayer that as I contemplate the next step for me regarding school and the future, that I will be set free from caring what other people think about what I do and that I will concern myself only with pleasing the Lord. That might mean studying something contrary to someone else's opinion, or choosing not to return to school at all. Whatever it is, I want to know that God is pleased with me and that I have been obedient to His will and purpose for my life.

Life is Beautiful!

Today is my last day as an HR Assistant!!!!! It is the end of the 8 to 5 grind and the beginning…of the rest of my life! Smile. I’m so excited to be leaving behind the endless monotony of mindless paperwork, a windowless office, a moody boss, and the confinement of spending every day glued to my computer screen. Of course, I will miss those co-workers that have become my friends, who have supported me through R’s Bar passing and job search! But, true friends remain even when circumstances change and so I’m not leaving them behind, really.

And now the beginning of the next adventure!! The thrill is in the unknown of what that will look like. My hope is that it includes song-writing, school, and in time, a sweet bundle of baby. Hurray for change and for God’s faithfulness and care for us!

Life is beautiful!

Ground to a Screeching Halt

I found out yesterday that I was NOT accepted into the music program here at the university. I haven’t received the official letter yet, but I inquired by e-mail to a woman I know who works in the department. I think I read her e-mail half a dozen times just to make sure I wasn’t imagining it. I still can hardly believe it! I wasn’t at all concerned about getting into the music school! I was more concerned about the size of the scholarship they would give me!

I haven’t really reacted emotionally yet, which is surprising because I’ve been emotional lately anyway. More surprising is that I almost feel relieved by the news, which only serves to flabbergast me more! While I don’t understand why I wasn’t accepted, I do have a peace that the Lord has a purpose in it. Perhaps He closed the door because there’s another door for me to walk through!

Meanwhile, “the plan” if I can call it that, is to still begin classes this summer, but to focus on my general courses until I know more. I think the hardest part is not knowing….anything……..about what I’m supposed to do now. Then again, it kind of feels good not to have everything so planned out. I never really wanted just a normal life, but to do great things for the Lord. Somewhere along the way I think I lost sight of that. Maybe this is a chance to gain new insight into what He has in store. It’s kind of exciting and scary all at the same time.

GRACE

So, I started this post with a vent about a co-worker that’s on my nerves, but then I realized how ungracious my words were and decided it was neither edifying nor beneficial. That got me thinking about GRACE and how little I extend to those who irritate me or are unkind. I realize there is a direct connection between love and grace. I’m much more willing to give grace to someone I love and have formed a friendship with. So, if I want to be a more gracious person, then I first must learn how to love people. And not just the people I like who are nice to me. Ugh. I’m gonna need a lot of help with this one!!

A Sigh of Relief

Saturday was my audition to get into the music program here. I arrived at the music building at 7:45am to sign in and fill out some paperwork. Then we all met together with the music faculty to hear a bit more about the school. A couple of seniors performed (amazingly!) a piece by Verdi from the opera workshop. I have to admit this was pretty intimidating right before an audition!! But, I was impressed and inspired as well!!! After this I warmed up, again, in a practice room, went over each of my pieces with the accompanist who was incredible, and then waited for my turn to come. I auditioned at 10:25am before eight faculty members. I'm so thankful this wasn't my first experience of this kind or I would have been totally discouraged! As is typical for this kind of thing, the "judges" remained impassive and showed no emotion during my performance. However, I feel good about the songs and think I did my best. Now I wait to hear what they thought of me!!! They said I should know their conclusion in a week to ten days. Meanwhile, I am totally relieved to have this over and done with!!!! Saturday following my audition was absolutely wonderful and relaxing!!! And a HUGE sigh of relief!!!

Out of the fog so to speak.

I’m contemplative this morning. I guess the words of a friend have started the juices flowing. I’m thinking about emotions and change and fear and the future, not necessarily in that order. Lately I have been obsessing about my upcoming audition and other changes taking place in the coming weeks. I hate that I get like this when I’m stressed about something. It’s almost as if I get tunnel vision and I forget that anything or anyone exists outside the bubble of what’s going on with me.

Yesterday I was praying for the salvation of a co-worker and realized how long it’s been since I looked outside myself and thought of the needs, the much bigger needs, of those around me. I wish I was more calm and collected and didn’t get so nervous about new or different things. But is anyone really as placid and serene as they appear, or do we all wrestle with emotions that choke out everything else? I suspect that we’re all very much the same deep inside.

In spite of the seemingly depressing thoughts, I’m actually quite encouraged today. It feels good to sort of wake up on the inside. I’m reminded of the Lord’s great love for us, His kids, and of the beauty of life and all it holds. There’s so much more He has for us that we don’t see! So much more! I want my heart to come alive in the light of this truth! In His presence….so much more!

Change

Change is wonderful and motivating and inspiring and I’m so thankful for it.........................and I’m totally worn out!! R. started his new job on Wednesday and it’s been a flurry of activity ever since! Little sleep and big change make for frazzled nerves and the grumps.

And……

Tomorrow is (gulp) one week from my audition. No wonder my stomach is all in knots!! I will be glad when it’s behind me even though I feel confident that it will go well. I’m just ready to be done with it and move on! I’m sure it doesn’t help my nerves that the flu is going around! And not the tummy flu, but the congestion and aches kind of flu. Everywhere I turn somebody has it and if I get it, singing will not be possible. Alas, that’s totally out of my control so I need to just let it go.

To top it all off is the upcoming transition in my own employment status. The transition is much anticipated but I’m not looking forward to breaking the news to the boss. AH! Wake me up when it’s over!!!!!

Thank goodness today is Friday!!!!!

This is why I like Texas..........

A Record to Break!

My grandparents just celebrated 60 years of marriage!!! In an age when marriage has become disposable, this is a record to be sure! And I’m thankful to have such a heritage! R and I are both blessed to have parents that have remained committed to each other over the years and I’m certain that is due at least in part to their parents. A living example!

But records are meant to be broken and so we intend to do just that! So we say, we’ll meet your 60 and raise it by 20!! Happy Anniversary Grandma & Grandpa!!!! You make us all proud!!

Gotta Brag Once in Awhile.....

I just have to brag on my sweet husband and the precious Valentine’s Day he gave me! It started with a single, red rose before we were even out of bed yesterday morning. Along with a kiss of course!! Then his gift to me was our wedding vows that he printed, framed and matted himself. They are now hanging on our living room wall! At lunch time, he showed up at work with a dozen red roses and a sweet note! After work…dinner at a restaurant we’ve wanted to try just off the river. And there’s more! We arrive home and I find a trail of rose petals leading up the stairs and vases of roses all over in our bedroom. To top off the evening we watched a sweet, romantic movie that he let me pick (The Lake House with Sandra Bullock…check it out, it’s great!). I feel like a princess and am so thankful for the precious husband God has given me! Marriage with him makes every day feel like Valentine’s Day.
A celebration of LOVE…………………….

Perfect Timing!

Not too early so that we wouldn’t have had the opportunity to learn the lessons in trust and experience deepened relationship with the Lord…….
Not too late so that we couldn’t pay the bills…….
The Lord provided the most ideal job for R. at just the right time! We’re so very thankful to the Lord for His faithfulness and provision!!!
Thank you to all of you who prayed for and encouraged us in the waiting! We are blessed indeed.

“I think He’s talking to ME!”

God has my number! It started with Thursday when I took a mental/emotional sick day off from work. I’ve been depressed lately with my impatience and concern about when and where R. will get a job and this depression has carried over in our marriage and my walk with the Lord and my whole outlook on life.

Thursday morning found me sitting on the couch with Bible in hand and much on my heart. In addition to feeling frustrated about waiting for a job to open up for R., I felt like I had somehow let the Lord down and that I had blown it by not being strong and confident in Him. My prayer was for the Lord to show me His grace! I immediately recalled the verse in Isaiah about waiting on the Lord and flying on wings like eagles. The significance to me, though, was in one of the preceding verses where it says,

“Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and strengthens the powerless.” (Is. 40:28,29)

His understanding is unsearchable….He’s not angry with me! He doesn’t despise my weakness and frailty!! This and numerous other verses and time in worship helped to lift my spirits and encourage my heart.

Still, on Sunday morning I woke up overwhelmed that the weekend was almost over and there was so much yet to do before Monday rolled around. In retrospect I think that the devil was trying to discourage me from going to church and receiving a blessing!! In Sunday School we were talking about fear and how God despises fear because it separates us in our relationship with Him unlike anything else. That was one of those light-bulb moments for me when I connected the dots based on other familiar Scriptures. I’ll explain.

We are called to fear the Lord and told that this is the beginning of Wisdom. The Lord is the only One we are to fear because He is sovereign over all things. When we fear something that is under His control and dominion, we are exalting that person or situation as more powerful than God. That is why He cannot abide fear in our hearts.

Then fast-forward to the main service. Pastor was talking about trust and what hinders us from trusting the Lord, etc. A statement he made continues to roll around in my head. He said that if we’re looking for the “next thing” to make us happy, (whether that’s marriage, or a new job, or moving to a different location) then we’re not trusting the Lord and finding our happiness in Him and we have raised up that “next thing” as an idol in our hearts. Ouch. It’s true. And I’ve totally been doing that. I’ve been holding out for R. to find a job with the idea that then we’ll have “arrived” and everything will be wonderful and happy. I’ve made his job an idol in my heart. Ouch again.

Today I am thankful. The Lord has been ministering and speaking to my heart. Some of it is hard stuff, but there’s the underlying truth that He loves me so very much. He cares for me with the heart of a Father. That’s so much bigger than my weaknesses and frailty and happiness and employment. It’s all gonna be okay as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus.

“It will be said on that day,
Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, so that he might save us.
This is the LORD for whom we have waited;
let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.” (Is. 25:9)

Real People...Real Stories

I waited on an Iranian student yesterday. He was polite and friendly, spoke English well, and was dressed like any other college guy. We hear so much today about Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, and the list goes on. The Middle East is a hot topic in the West. With all the talk, it’s easy to forget that within each of these countries are individuals very much like you and I. They have their own unique personalities, interests, talents, dreams, and hopes. They know what it is to fall in love, to rejoice at the birth of a child, to sorrow at the loss of a friend or family member. As children, they played make-believe, went to school, helped out with chores, and likely fought with their siblings. They’re real people with real faces and real stories.

Certainly we hear a lot about those in the Middle East who are terrorists and militants. Their motivation is hatred and they’re not above the murder of the innocent for their own cause and agenda. They’ve caught the public eye because their actions are public and eye-catching. But in the midst of those who are bent upon evil, is the father trying his best to provide for his family, the mother praying that the children will be sheltered from harm, the boy who wants only to play ball in the streets, the girl who doesn’t understand why she’s not allowed to visit her friends after school. They’re real people with real faces and real stories.

They could be me and you………….