To Bigger and Better

Today I sent in my paper for my Isaiah distance learning class! I'm finally done with it!!! To say I lacked motivation is a decided understatement!!! Yay for completion and closure!!! Now on to getting ready for BABY!!!!

By the way...we're having a little voting contest about whether the BABY will be a BOY or a GIRL. So...feel free to add your voice and tell us what you think we're having! We're keeping a tally and will find out who's right in the end!!! Hopefully we'll find out when we go for our ultrasound next month!!!

Impermanence

It has become more and more apparent in recent days that we live in a society of impermanence. In college one expects that friends are around for only a short time and that everyone will disperse to their respective locations. That doesn’t make it any easier to say goodbye, but it is nonetheless expected. After college, and after marriage, and buying a house and starting a family, there is a semblance of permanence, but this is just an illusion. We’re not a society of roots anymore, but of change. And that’s not always bad! I’m an advocate of change! Change causes us to grow and develop and learn new things. But it still comes as a surprise to realize that the friends one thought would just always be around are heading off to new experiences and new locations.

Two of my close Mommy friends are moving. One is leaving just this week and another heads out in June; thus the reality of impermanence. I’m sad to see them go and wonder who the Lord will bring into my life to fill the gap…not to replace since they’re irreplaceable…but to fill in for their absence. At the same time, I don’t begrudge them the opportunities! A part of me wishes it was us going on to new adventures. But the Lord has us here and has them going on and He’ll take care of both of us. Saying goodbyes, though, does make me think of another world in which goodbyes will cease and everyone I love will all be together with HIM. I’m glad again that this life isn’t all we get, though I am thankful for it.

Baby Paraphernalia

R. and I did some pre-registry legwork last night; meaning we went to the Baby Depot and looked at some baby items and began the decision process about what we think we want for our little one. It all started out just fine with the excitement of what we'd like for our little one. But, the night ended with me in tears feeling overwhelmed about how on earth we’re going to fit everything in our apartment without being overtaken by baby paraphernalia! (Oh the joys of pregnant hormones and emotions that can change in a nanosecond!) Bottom line is the question of whether we really need everything we think we need and what we actually do need. For such small little people, babies sure come with a lot of STUFF!

The Lookout Post

I think this is the epitome of CUTE so I had to share!!! Chewie and Chica will sit on their little stool for hours looking outside or napping until they hear something worth checking out!! And it's just as cute from out of doors!! We have sweet little doggies!!

So this is random, but I'm happy to say that after two years of marriage I'm finally learning to keep up with the laundry!! It seems to be a no-brainer, but it's a lot different to wash clothes for two people rather than one!! When I was single, I would go 3 weeks without doing laundry and then I'd do a few big loads and be done with it. Now, I really do have to wash clothes every week or it takes me a week to get it all done! And it's taken me until now to really figure this out and then actually do the laundry once a week! I guess it's a good thing since in a few months we'll go from two to three laundry-makers! Smile.

15 weeks

Friday R. and I went to our baby doctor. I wasn't sure what this visit would entail, so I was even more excited to get to hear our baby's heartbeat!!!! I almost cried it was so precious!! There's something so sweet about the sound! And our little one was running a marathon or something in there!!! 160 beats!! Last time we got to see a mini-ultrasound 'cause we couldn't hear the heartbeat. That was cool, but it's hard to tell what you're looking at on such a little screen. But a heartbeat is pretty recognizable and it makes it seem all the more real that we're actually having a BABY!

I was also really encouraged in asking our doctor some questions about child-birth and different positions and practices. The more I read and talk to others about birth and delivery, the more I REALLY want to stick with a natural approach to birth. In talking with our doctor it seems like she's very supportive of that!

New meaning to the word ‘tired’.

You’ve never been tired until you’ve been pregnant and tired! This week has particularly brought this truth home. I’ve had a nap nearly every day this week and have gone to bed early every night but one and I still feel like I could sleep for a week!

Tomorrow is the 14 week milestone. This week our sweet one can make facial expressions and even suck her/his thumb! I can’t wait until I can feel all the movements she/he is making already! It still feels so unreal that there’s really a baby in there!!

R. has been so wonderful through all the tiredness and emotional ups and downs. I certainly couldn’t do this without him!! And he’s so precious! When he comes home from work at night he gives me a kiss and then he leans down and talks to our baby inside my belly! This little one will certainly know her/his Daddy’s voice!! R. is going to be such a wonderful Dad!!!

Beautiful Christian Sister

BEAUTIFUL CHRISTIAN SISTER

by Maya Angelou

A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean livin''I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain..I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

One of a Kind

Today marks 13 weeks of pregnancy! Our little one is growing and changing so much! Most of the baby's development is complete already! This week he/she got fingerprints! Already unique and one of a kind! It's amazing to think that someone so small, just 3 inches, could be so intricate and detailed in design!

Date Night

Tuesday night is typically date night for us. We don’t always go out, but we try to make it time set aside to focus on each other. We plan to continue this practice after the baby comes. Anyone up for babysitting? Smile.

Last night the sky was clear and the weather was perfect. We got Starbucks coffee and drove out to a newer housing development down the road from us where we could park in semi-darkness and look at the stars through the sunroof. It was such a perfect time to enjoy the night sky and just talk without distraction.

We stayed out there a couple hours before we decided to head home. R. turned on the car and we started down the road about the same time we saw the headlights of another car turning into the development. Once the car comes into our line of vision we realize it’s a police car and he promptly turns on his lights. We pull over and he shines his search light at our vehicle and comes toward us with his flashlight shining into our car. He asks us if everything is okay. R. introduces himself and me and explains that we’re on a date looking at the stars and enjoying the night. The officer asks to see ID. R. of course includes his work ID as well…when you work in connection with law enforcement that can’t hurt!! Apparently they’ve been having a lot of theft at the construction sites. Anyways, I guess the officer thought we were legit ‘cause he let us go and told us to have a good night. We got a good laugh out of it! What were the odds that he’d be coming in at the same time we were leaving!! Smile. Date night was great!!!

First Trimester Down!!!

It really is hard to believe that the first trimester is over! Yesterday was the 12 week mark. It sounds a lot better to think that there's only 6 months left! Yay!! I'm very happy to report that I haven't been sick once! Thanks, Mom!!! My Mom wasn't sick with either of her pregnancies and I've been hoping to follow in her footsteps. (and I hope my delivery goes as well as her's did also!)

The last few days have been pretty emotional, but after an afternoon with friends and encouragement, I feel much better. It helps to talk to someone who's been there and have them say they understand 'cause they felt the same way! And to know that they made it through the emotional minefields and now they have a beautiful little baby! It also helps to give permission to feel the way I feel and not follow that up with guilt. There's a transition involved in being pregnant and it can be really emotional at times. And that's okay! Once again I'm reminded that life and its experiences aren't what I expected...but then I'm also reminded that they've always been better than expected when it's all said and done!

Only the positive!!

My friend Bekah made a post at the beginning of her pregnancy that she only wanted to hear positive stories and comments! Well, I'm here to echo that to anyone who wants to read this!! And number one on the list is shut up about weight and size already!!!! If I hear one more person tell me they "can't believe I'm showing so soon" I just might haul off and deck them!!! And not another word about the fact that I'm hungry AGAIN! Of course I'm hungry!! I'm not the only one getting nourishment from the food I'm eating! And there's no doubt about it, I am going to gain weight! Duh! I'm pregnant! But you don't have to rub it in! I'm already struggling with the fact that I weigh more than I ever have before (darn it for looking at the doctor's chart...I won't be doing that again).

So bottom line, I'm coming up on 12 weeks pregnant. Yes, I already look pregnant. So tell me I'm adorable and keep any other opinions to yourself! Don't you think I know what I look like?!?!? Remember what your momma told you, "If you can't say anything nice, SHUT UP"!

Short but Sweet

I took my parents back to the airport this morning after a super visit from them!! They stayed with us for a week and it felt like a minute! We had a great time! On Friday they took me clothes shopping! Yay for new clothes that fit! Then over the weekend we went to R's parent's place and we got to spend time with the whole fam. Monday we took it easy. Tuesday was Mom's birthday and R. arranged for us to go get a facial while Dad stayed behind with R. at work. Yesterday we took a jaunt to Austin, had lunch at Whole Foods (yum) and went to Waterloo Records (fabulous). And today they left! No wonder the time went by so quickly! It was so good to see them and not so great to have to say goodbye! But, the baby gives the perfect excuse for them to come back in just a few months!! Way to go little raspberry!!!

10 weeks

We're now 10 weeks pregnant! I guess that means we're almost through with the first trimester. I have to say it's kinda weird the way the weeks are calculated. Since we know the day we conceived (yay for natural family planning and charting!!!) we thought we were 8 weeks pregnant, but since most people don't know the exact day doctors usually calculate based on a woman's monthly cycle. Then there's what's called gestation which is like two weeks longer than the actual age of the baby....so I guess that means I'm at 10 weeks. That's fine with me, of course! I feel like I just gained ground and have less time to wait!

Pregnancy hasn't been quite what I expected so far. I haven't been sick which is great! None of my pants fit which has been surprisingly discouraging! I think that I thought I wouldn't mind losing my waist when we got pregnant 'cause there would be a very legitimate excuse. But I don't look pregnant at this point...I look chubby! R. took me shopping last week and at one point we had to stop so he could tell me I'm beautiful and that's it's okay that I'm not skinny anymore.

It's very surreal to be pregnant. I don't know that it will begin to sink in until I start feeling the baby move and we know if we're having a boy or a girl. In those moments when I realize this is really happening I get super excited...and then totally freaked out at the same time! I never imagined that there would be so much mental adjustment involved in this process. It's a good thing we have awhile to get used to the idea!

R. has been so wonderful! He has held me when I'm feeling scared or overwhelmed. He has told me I'm beautiful repeatedly. And best of all he is so excited to be a Dad! And I know he's going to be a good one! I'm so thankful to be on this journey with my sweet husband! It really is amazing to know we're going to have OUR baby!

By the way...our baby is the size of a small plum now!!!

Drumroll please...............

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our little bundle is due October 9th!!!

Little Girlfriend

Introducing our newest little girlfriend!! Little Rania was born just over a week ago to some good friends of ours. We went to visit last night and got to hold the little miss. She is so sweet and tiny! It's hard to believe that we all start out so little!!! We also got to experience the traditional Lebanese dessert that is served to guests that come to visit the new baby. It was fabulous! It kinda reminded me of Chai tea and the texture was like pudding. Yum! Below is the baby quilt that I made for Rania and I'm told she sleeps under it every night!

Coming Clean

It's not something that's easy to share. In spite of the fact that our society is more understanding about it, there's still an element of shame and stigma attached to it. But, with the hope that someone else may be ministered to, I decided to take the risk and talk about my depression. The funny thing about depression is that it doesn't necessarily look the same for everyone. For that reason at first it didn't occur to me that that was what I was dealing with. You see, depression runs in my family on both sides so it's no stranger. I always hoped that I would somehow be passed over and it wouldn't touch me, but it has.

Depression has raised it's head a few different times in my life starting back when I was just out of highschool. At that time it took the form of anxiety. In college it raised its head again in the form of loneliness and I found myself withdrawing from everyone. I think it was brought on by stress! Music school will do that to ya!

This past year it started with some life changes and disappointments. I auditioned to get into music school and was not accepted. While I was able to logically understand and even appreciate the fact that I wasn't sure I really wanted to be in music school again, it was still an emotional blow. Then I quit my full-time job to stay at home. Don't get me wrong, I was so happy to quit that job, but it was a huge adjustment. I think this change actually helped me to recognize what was going on and had been for awhile.

So often depression is only thought to be inconsolable sadness, but that's not all it is. It manifests itself through lack of motivation and confidence, procrastination, withdrawal from others, lack of direction, exhaustion, being easily overwhelmed, lashing out, discontent, negative thinking, insecurity. This is what it has been to me. It doesn't mean I'm sad all the time, or that I even feel this way all the time. However, the window I look through to observe life around me is tainted by depression and so my outlook is not always true.

Lately I've realized that I need to focus on being emotionally healthy again. I need it for me, for my marriage, for my future children and for friends and family. I know I'm usually happy when you see me socially, at church, at work and so it may be hard to imagine that this struggle could be going on. The truth is, when I'm around other people I feel on top. When you see me smiling, it's for real. It's usually when I'm alone and when I'm tired that it all comes piling in on me. Bottom line, I know I'm going to be fine. And I don't want to be treated any differently than if I had never shared what I'm going through. That's not what this post is about. It's about being honest. We all struggle! We all have weaknesses and sometimes it's in coming clean with them that we can connect with each other in a way that is real and genuine. So now I've come clean...and it feels really good.

Just had to share!

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!

You're all invited to come to our place and share dinner with us on our new table...just not all at the same time!! I've been saving my pennies for awhile with the hopes of getting a new dining table. The old one looked good, but really was only big enough for two people. Four could fit, but there was a lot of elbow bumping and knee knocking. So I've been keeping my eye out for just the right table...I knew exactly what I wanted! And Pier 1 had it and we bought the floor model so they knocked off 20%! Yippy!!! Let us know when you can come help us break it in!!!

Christmas in Disneyland!!!

R. and I spent the Christmas holiday with R's family in California's Disneyland!! It was my first time in California and I can see why people want to live there. It's beautiful with the mountains and the palm trees and the ocean. We only saw the ocean from the air, but it was still fabulous!! We had a great couple of days! It kinda felt like a second honeymoon. Most of the time R. and I wandered off by ourselves.

It's too complicated to coordinate 11 people for everything, so we met up with the rest of the fam at arranged times! One of those times was when me and the guys rode the Tower of Terror ride! It was awesome!! Basically you get in an elevator that plummets downward suddenly and quickly! I screamed and hugged R's arm and giggled so much!!!

Each morning (and a couple times in between) R and I got coffee at a bookstore in the park. Starbucks watch out! They made the BEST mochas I have ever had. I asked them what kind of coffee they used....some local guy roasts it! Wow! The food in the park is great too!! For Christmas dinner R and I ate at the House of Blues. Yummy! Lamb Shank, mashed sweet potatoes, green beans and cooked carrots. Oh yeah! It was a great vacation!

House Hunting

R. and I are house-hunting these days. It's such an exciting endevour...the thought of owning our own home. No more sharing a wall with the neighbors...our own private yard...we can paint anything we want whatever color we want...more space. It's exciting. And it's frustrating and tiring and time-consuming!!! If you own your home and you had a quick and simple home-buying process, consider yourself blessed!!! Until we started this process I had no idea that foundation problems were so rampant...or that carpet could be so trashed...or that neighborhoods could be so unpredictable! It has been an experience to say the least!!! Hopefully the right house comes our way soon...I'm getting tired of the hunt!!

I did it after all.

I wasn't going to decorate for Christmas this year. We're going to be out of town and everything is busy right now with house hunting and all. But then I started to feel really sad and it totally didn't feel like Christmas-time. So I broke down and put everything up and I'm so glad I did and it looks beautiful!!!!