Coming Clean

It's not something that's easy to share. In spite of the fact that our society is more understanding about it, there's still an element of shame and stigma attached to it. But, with the hope that someone else may be ministered to, I decided to take the risk and talk about my depression. The funny thing about depression is that it doesn't necessarily look the same for everyone. For that reason at first it didn't occur to me that that was what I was dealing with. You see, depression runs in my family on both sides so it's no stranger. I always hoped that I would somehow be passed over and it wouldn't touch me, but it has.

Depression has raised it's head a few different times in my life starting back when I was just out of highschool. At that time it took the form of anxiety. In college it raised its head again in the form of loneliness and I found myself withdrawing from everyone. I think it was brought on by stress! Music school will do that to ya!

This past year it started with some life changes and disappointments. I auditioned to get into music school and was not accepted. While I was able to logically understand and even appreciate the fact that I wasn't sure I really wanted to be in music school again, it was still an emotional blow. Then I quit my full-time job to stay at home. Don't get me wrong, I was so happy to quit that job, but it was a huge adjustment. I think this change actually helped me to recognize what was going on and had been for awhile.

So often depression is only thought to be inconsolable sadness, but that's not all it is. It manifests itself through lack of motivation and confidence, procrastination, withdrawal from others, lack of direction, exhaustion, being easily overwhelmed, lashing out, discontent, negative thinking, insecurity. This is what it has been to me. It doesn't mean I'm sad all the time, or that I even feel this way all the time. However, the window I look through to observe life around me is tainted by depression and so my outlook is not always true.

Lately I've realized that I need to focus on being emotionally healthy again. I need it for me, for my marriage, for my future children and for friends and family. I know I'm usually happy when you see me socially, at church, at work and so it may be hard to imagine that this struggle could be going on. The truth is, when I'm around other people I feel on top. When you see me smiling, it's for real. It's usually when I'm alone and when I'm tired that it all comes piling in on me. Bottom line, I know I'm going to be fine. And I don't want to be treated any differently than if I had never shared what I'm going through. That's not what this post is about. It's about being honest. We all struggle! We all have weaknesses and sometimes it's in coming clean with them that we can connect with each other in a way that is real and genuine. So now I've come clean...and it feels really good.