Soul-Searching

I've been doing some soul-searching lately. There's nothing like transition to bring out those issues that were safely buried away. It's kinda like moving and discovering those things packed away in the closet or garage that you should have dealt with already. Isaac's birth and the transition that followed has been that for me. The biggest realization is that I'm not at all where I want to be spiritually.



Basically I can look back on our wedding as the time when my walk with the Lord went downhill. This hasn't made sense to me because R and I both love the Lord and both desire to follow Him and live in His will according to His word. So how could our marriage be the cause of my spiritual bankrupcy? The truth is, it's not our marriage that has caused me to drift away from the Lord, but it's that I have idolized R, putting him before God in my life. Ouch. Not exactly a happy realization, but I am thankful that the Lord is showing me what went wrong and what needs to change!



Along with placing R first before the Lord, I struggle with this huge fear of ever losing him. For this reason I have held on to him with my fist tightly clasped, afraid that something would happen to him. I've been living in fear rather than trust. The Lord has been showing me that I should be living with my hand held open in surrender, trusting that the Lord is in control no matter what the future holds. And with this is the reminder that the Lord will be with me always.



Becoming a Mom has caused me to examine my own life, knowing that the life I live will tell Isaac more about Jesus than my words could ever convey. Once again I see God's faithfulness in my life, in the gentle way in which He continues to pursue me and display His love for me. The other day I read the verse, I think it's in 2 Timothy, about how even when we are faithless He remains faithful. Thank You, Jesus. Thank You for Your love that's everlasting and unchanging! Thank You for Your relentless pursuit of me!! I love You, Lord, and I will live for You. Choosing to trust........

I couldn't put up this post without a new picture of Isaac. My sweet little boy is starting to look more like a little boy and less like a baby!!!! But still just as sweet!!!!!!