On Edge

I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit that I’m on edge and a little anxious wondering what’s going to happen with R’s job and where we’ll be living if we have to move. This not knowing is unnerving. And it’s not for lack of faith. I KNOW that the Lord has a place for us that He has already determined. It’s simply that I want to know! When will R. get the job? Will it be somewhere there’s a school I can attend? Do I prepare myself to say goodbye to the friends we’ve made here and the fabulous church we love? Or do I have the freedom to put down roots?

Then there’s my own struggle to know what I really want concerning school and education. I’m feeling more and more uncertain whether I want to be a full-time music student again. I recall how madly stressed out I was before and I just don’t know if I want to go back to that level of stress. Nor do I want to have my time with R. get crowded out, especially since he has just finished his education and we’re still unencumbered by the responsibility of children.

A part of me simply wants to enjoy the freedom and flexibility we have right now and then in a couple years to start a family and focus on being a good mom. Then there’s this nagging voice in the back of my head that says I’m somehow less if I don’t complete my degree. I want to complete my degree, but sometimes I think it’s just to prove something; maybe to myself and maybe to the world.

I’m sure I’m stressing over nothing and will look back as I have many times before and see how perfectly God worked everything out. It’s possible that we’ll move to a place where there’s a school that will accept transfer credits from Prairie and I can complete my degree at a more moderate pace. Meanwhile, I’m on the edge and wondering.