R. and I have been taking a break from church the past few weeks; taking time to heal. We had a really bad experience a few months ago involving false doctrine. We felt betrayed by the whole ordeal and the wounds aren't totally healed. As a result we're finding it hard to move on and trust again. So we're taking some time for that.
Recently I talked to a friend about our experience and she told me that I need to ask the Lord why I've had so many negative and hurtful church experiences. I don't think I've ever really contemplated that it might have a purpose. It happened and that was that. But, I've started to ask God to show me what He wants to teach me through it.
This passage from Psalms ministered to me and opened up an avenue of contemplation about the 'why' of it all. "I know, O LORD, that your laws are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me. May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. Let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is my delight." Psalm 119:75-77
What if God allowed, or let's say even caused, these hurts and disappointments and betrayals? And if so, why would He allow or cause these things? Perhaps these struggles are necessary to drive me to God. Maybe if life was absent these struggles I would live my life without Him, thinking I don't need Him.
In his book 'The Journey of Desire', John Eldredge writes, "living apart from God comes naturally. God must take away the heaven we create, or it will become our hell....I realized that the real issue is this: I haven't wanted to be an eternal person. I've wanted to find life here somehow." I think this is true of me as well. I have an expectation for present happiness and satisfaction. Possibly this is the way I have approached church also. Maybe I'm looking to have a need met through church that only God can meet through Himself. Thus I'm crushed when those needs are left unmet.
There's much more to learn, I'm sure, but it's a start. Please pray the Lord will heal those wounded places in me. In the coming weeks we plan to begin the search for a church to call our own. Quite honestly I'm petrified to start again. I fear more hurt and disappointment, yet I know that I need to belong with a body of believers.
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2 comments:
Wow - I'm sorry, Mollie. That sounds so tough - especially compiled upon past experiences. I admire your attitude in this, and I'll be praying for you guys.
I'm really sorry to hear this Mol. I know we've discussed some of what has happened to you in the past. I'm glad you're able to start looking for the lesson in it. Good luck finding a church home.
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