I'm battling feelings of loneliness again today; feelings of isolation and desperation for intimacy. I've thought up all sorts of reasons why it has been so hard to find close friends here in Texas; the culture is different in the south, I'm married now, people are too busy, etc, etc.
But maybe the problem is with me. Not that people don't like me or anything like that, but maybe it is caused, at least in part, by my deep-seated struggle with intimacy. I'm reaching this conclusion because if I'm honest the struggle isn't new to me. I've wrestled with it to some degree my entire life. Could it be that the issue is greater than just a lack of friends? Perhaps it is that even when I do have friends I only let them in just so far, so that even if I'm surrounded by friends I still feel lonely. And it's because I haven't come out of my shell or the fortress surrounding my heart. Perhaps......
This scares me. It scares me to think that I could be driving people away unconsciously simply by not opening up. Yet it scares me even more to think about opening up...all those vulnerable places in me, the weaknesses, the insecurities, the fears.
Help? Lord, please help? Please help me to come out of my hiding! Please help! I'm so alone and so desperate to change that. Please change me!!!! I need YOU!
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2 comments:
Hey sis! I know you've struggled and succeeded over the past couple of years to be more vulnerable with those you love. I know it's a scary thing sometimes - that fear of impending rejection if you let others get too close. I struggle with that, too. I'm afraid that if I allow people to know ME - including my failures - that they'll decide I'm just not worth it.
Perhaps the fact that I'm your sister has something to do with it, but I want you to know that I feel free to be me with you and I hope that you know that you can be you with me. And even when we're lonely or we feel like there's more than just physical distance between us, this doesn't mean that we've somehow "lost ground" in our search for intimacy and vulnerability!
Be encouraged, sis. I love you!
I hear ya, girlfriend. Thanks for sharing on your blog! Remember that sometimes progress is so gradual that we can't see the changes. God never gives up working on us... sometimes what may feel like a rut is just a small pause on the way up the mountain. Love you!
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